A short play about trying to get a shirt on my child.
(Two commentators, MARCUS and BOB, are perched at my dining room table while an unseen announcer introduces the main event.)
ANNOUNCER
In this corner, at five foot seven inches tall, weighing 174 pounds, we have… BIG MAMA! And in the other corner, standing knee-high to a grasshopper and weighing in at a rough and rowdy 32 pounds, we have BOYCHILD the BRUISER!
Let’s get ready to FUMBLE (with our clothes because we’re going to daycare today)!
*Ding Ding*
MARCUS
It’s time for daycare and Boychild is not happy about it.
BOB:
Looks like he’s tired, Marcus.
MARCUS
Yep. He is tired and cranky and Big Mama’s in for a real fight this morning. She’s coming at Boychild with a fresh shirt. Oh, he doesn’t like that, Bob!
BOB
No Marcus, he does not. Looks like he wants to wear his hand-me-down Santa jammies to daycare today.
MARCUS
But Big Mama’s not having it. It’s cold outside and she explains that Boychild.
BOB
But Boychild ignores her. He’s playing with his train, Marcus. Just wasting time in the ring.
MARCUS
Big Mama, now grabbing Boychild’s pajama top and lifting it over his head . . .
BOB
And the shirt’s off! It’s off! Great opening move by Big Mama. Now Boychild is shirtless and screaming. Definitely unhappy about that.
MARCUS
Big Mama pulls out two, not one, but two shirts! She is pulling the classic, “You pick out what you want to wear” move.
BOB
Slick move on Mama’s part.
MARCUS
Aaand… Boychild counters with a pointed, “I don’t want to wear nothin’.” Classic Boychild move, Bob
BOB
But mama saw that coming!
MARCUS
She sure did! Mama counters with a, “That is not a choice.” Boychild takes the shirts and… Oh, Oh! Is he going to put one on? NO! Boychild throws the shirts at Mama, Bob!
BOB
And Mama grabs a shirt… And, oh, she’s got him cornered! Boychild is up against the ropes and mama is putting the shirt over his… NO! Oh, no! Boychild pulls the shirt off! Now he’s running underneath the ancient Nordic Track, Marcus.
MARCUS
That Nordic track is old and dangerous, Bob. Looks like Mama’s in trouble. If she grabs him out now, she’s in for a hell of a fight.
BOB
How’s she going to deal with this, Marcus?
MARCUS
She’s moved on to bribery, Bob. Fruit Bunnies and some fishy snacks if he comes out and puts on a shirt.
BOB
Boychild continues to wail and ignores Big Mama. Big Mama’s going in. She’s moving towards Boychild…
MARCUS
Oh! And Boychild delivers a sharp uppercut to Mama’s chin! Looks like that hurt, Bob.
BOB
Sure did, Marcus. But she’s ignoring it and lifting him out of the danger zone. Now we have a series of kicks to Mama’s crotch. Ouch! There goes the baby-maker.
MARCUS
Mama’s got the Zen calm of a Buddhist monk… But it looks like she’s getting frustrated. She puts Boychild on the floor.
BOB
Now he’s under the mini-trampoline. Not a great hiding place, Marcus.
MARCUS
Nope. And mama lifts the trampoline over her head like the monster that she is. Boychild runs off to hide under the table…
(Time elapses. Both announcers are bored, doodling on their notes, checking Instagram on their phones.)
MARCUS
We’ve been here about what, 30 minutes, Bob? Seems like Boychild is running out the clock.
BOB
It’s a classic Rope-a-Dope move. Mama’s wearing down, chasing him from place to place with shirt in hand. She’s tried ignoring him, bribery, reverse psychology… All the tools in her arsenal.
MARCUS
The ref ss coming in now. He’s going to call it in Boychild’s favor if something doesn’t happen soon.
BOB
Oh OH! And mama comes over to Boychild and physically puts the shirt over his head!
MARCUS
Here’s the action we’ve been waiting for! He’s fighting! Fighting with all his tiny strength! What a struggle! This child is fighting for his life! He DOES NOT want to wear a shirt!
BOB
Big Mama is having a tough time. She has to manually place each arm into each sleeve, which is hard to do when those arms are whirling like a deranged windmill. Wait… She’s doing it! She’s actually getting the shirt on!
MARCUS
But at what cost, Bob? At what cost?
BOB
Boychild is depleted. Tear-streaked face, howling… He put up a heckuva fight.
MARCUS
He sure did, Bob. He sure did.
BOB
That’s all for this bout! Put it in the history books and be sure to join us next Tuesday when Big Mama and Boychild meet again for the Battle of the Bathtime!